With nothing to do at home in the evening (having finally finished the book I was reading), I turn to my favourite pastime. Looking at old photographs. Im first only looking at the ones very neatly labelled Jakarta; unwilling and perhaps a little afraid of opening the folder that says 'NUS Singapore'. After all there was so much that went wrong there, so much that I wish would have never been said. And I've yet to see those pictures without wishing i could just go back in time and change something....anything! But alas, there is no eraser in this picture of life is there?
It is with apprehension, that I double click on the folder. My past obsession for neat folders surprises me, i'd forgotten what that was like in the messy, cluttered head & computer that i have today. Year 1; and the various occasions when my ex would whip out his camera clicking away to glory. Camera-wary me is actually in very few of the pictures, but thats okay because its the group shots that have me yearning. The easy smiles, the naivete, the carefreeness of the pictures. Thats what I'd forgotten. And it makes me sad and wistful. This time i wish i could just go back and re-live it all. Even if I had to make the same mistakes again, even if i had to go through those nights of loneliness, those words said, those petty fights. I think I would be willing to go through all of that again if I could only capture that one moment of freedom. Of knowing that its okay that i dont have my life sorted out yet. Of being eager to see the world.
Because where I am today, my life's not even close to being sorted out. It only gets messier and complicated and confusing and oh so difficult! All I want to do sometimes is escape; run away from it all - from the daily pressure, the stress, the struggle. All I want is to go back to that moment, that perfect moment in time when i had all the time in the world and nothing but college to get through.
Its only been a couple of years since then, and yet sometimes I feel the road has been unbearably long. Sometimes growing up does suck.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
About Me
- Sunshine
- A little bit of this & a little bit of that! I'm all sweet n spice! :D
8 comments:
Photographs are creepy that way.
I don't know what to say to you.. coz nothing can appease the anxiety that old pictures and old memories bring..
All I can say is.. Sunshine could hide behind dark clouds, but the light can never disappear. Shine always!
Maybe, just maybe looking at those pictures is the start of a healing process which will make the life to come better. Letting go and moving forward just might be what it is time for.
Hugs and strength to you and may the road get better with every single step you take forward.
@ S: thanks babe! :) am hoping this black cloud passes through soon too! *fingers crossed*
@ Comfy: Its not so much moving on from the past; its how scary the present is that is terrifying me. i want to just move to a time when life is less terrifying, when every moment is not filled with pressure & stress. sigh
thanks for dropping by :)
I loved this post Sunshine....a sort of maturity radiated from it. I'm in no way insinuating tht u r not but the words & thoughts were put across very beautifully:-)
thanks nancy! :)
how have u been??
Hi Sunshine, how have you been?
Reading this post makes me feel strangely rejuvenated- I've been trying hard to make sense of all the clutter too, and the harder I try, the worse it gets. It feels good to know you're never alone in this world :).
hey, have been good! haven't seem you around in forever! how have u been??
tell me about it - the clutter just keeps increasing! i honestly hope there is something that comes out of it in the end; else i don't know how long i can live like this!
Memories !!! They can be soo sweet and at times can be bitter too.
Some incidents which made you smile in the past can actually become a memory which makes you cry now. Similarly some incidents which made you cry in the past can become a memory which makes you smile now and then there are those which have the same effect even then and now. Life is very complicated.
“there is no eraser in this picture of life” very true and I would like to add that even we can’t erase some memories too. Can we? :). By the way your line remarkably gave way for the song “saari umar bhar” in my mind and incidentally one of its important words is “sunshine” :)
When growing up becomes sad and difficult it means that at the other side it is teaching us new and valuable experiences of life.
Escape? Escaping from all those things means escaping from our own self. Can we ever do that? :)
I wish you stay happy always and keep spreading that happiness to others. Sunshine ! :)
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