Arranged Marriage. 2 words that never fail to make me uneasy. When I was still a naive girl, I vowed that I would never get an arranged marriage. I dreamt of finding the perfect guy and of living happily with him. Of having my own house & preferably a career (altho I had no idea what career I wanted - see how naive I was??).
Post high-school, college and a few failed relationships made me realize that Love is not so rosy after all. Even though I don't think I have given up on love, the entire prospect of finding that perfect someone to spend the rest of your life with has just become that much more of a daunting task.
By last year when my parents approached me quite seriously for arranged marriage, I had run out of reasons on why I shouldn't give in. Its not like I was batting off eligible guyz by myself - what harm would it be if I met a few more pre-arranged by my parents? I would be allowed to "date" them...meet up, talk on the phone, etc which was pretty okay I thought.
The process started. I emailed a few guyz, saw countless profiles, and went through the whole rigmarole for about 6 months. Enter 2010. I returned to Sg yday from a week long's trip home and K tells me that 2 of our batchmates have gotten engaged. One to be married by this summer (i think!) and another by early next year. That makes the count up to 7 people; I have known closely who have gotten engaged/married in the last year. And suddenly I'm panicking.
How am I supposed to spend the rest of my life with someone I've only met a few times, who maybe appeals to me on a connectivity level but whose intimate details I know nothing about? I was in a relationship for 3 years before I realized that it was not destined to be forever and we parted ways. 3 years. What was to be different about this? What if I realized too late that I am not compatible with the person? I moved in last year with one of my best friends, someone I have known for 15 years and this year has taught me a lot more about her than I ever knew before. Not in a definite describable way but in the sense of how it is to live with her. And if a friend I've known for 15 years can still surprise me, how can a guy I meet 4-5 times in a year; talk & email not surprise me when we actually start living together?!!
Or maybe thats the whole point of marriage? That it's supposed to be a journey and not a destination...but in case, am I really strong enough to undertake this journey with someone I don't even know very well?!
Arranged Marriage. I am truly very scared of you.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
About Me
- Sunshine
- A little bit of this & a little bit of that! I'm all sweet n spice! :D
36 comments:
Hi, first time here...
Your thought process really made me think about your current feelings.
Well is it really compulsory to marry? Or at least is it compulsory to marry in hurry? Is there any upper age limit for marriage?
I’ve always believed in living on my own terms and values and trust me I was never sad for my decisions in life. After all those decisions were mine isn’t it? Marriage or any relationship for me is very respectable and like a divine thing which we can relish it our whole life. Yes they are for life.
So take a step only when you think he is right and only when you can understand him well and only when you are 100% satisfied with his views and ways.
I'll be back to discuss this with u:-).
@ Asif: Welcome! :)
I'm not against Marriage per say...i would honestly love to have my own house and my own someone special to lavish my love on...its the whole drama leading up to the happily ever after bit that i'm scared about...
and yes i agree - there shouldnt be an upper age limit to marriage but thats not my choice...i know my parents will not blind fold me and make me sit on a mandap but at the same time they will pressurize and do whatever is in their hands to ensure that i get married at a respectable age...
its a constant tug of war and a topic of discussion that i could ramble on for pages & pages...!
@ Nancy: I look forward to your thoughts.. :)
Yeah every one wants a BETTER HALF to lavish their love on.
Yes parents always think and do for our good only and thats the biggest strength for most of the unmarried ppl to move ahead in this marriage issue.
Felt funny to know abt "respectable age"-I would be glad to know abt such age limits. :D
Yes that topic is still a hot topic for discussion from ages and ages.
Anyways thanks for visiting my blog, I'm very new to these things but yeah I think i'm equally mad to join the club ;) :D
the respectable age thing is more for girls i think...somehow my mom seems to think that if i dont marry in the next 2 yrs, time will fly and then i wont find a good boy! *eyes rolling*
its sometimes completely insane!!
Hmm yes...if we think from the parents view point that is also correct. Anyways I really wish you find a perfect guy for you in those 2 years, with whom you can be very very happy and with whom you can spread that sunshine in others' lives as well.
In that way both your parents will be happy and you too will get the love of your life.
Good people always get good things. Seriously I believe it. :)
aww thats very sweet of u! thanks! :)
*fingers crossed*
jeeesus christ!!! looks like you let the cat out of the bag sunshine!! ofcourse this is a very hot and spicy topic among young people... ohh sorry even among the old guys. dont worry baba.. you would definitely find some one.. and why are you thinkin that arranged marrige is a risky thing.. actually it is the least risky if you ask me.. but its sad to see you getting a bit cynical abuot this.. i wish you could stay like before where you belived that every thing is perfect. pretty much everyone in my group is either engaged or married. i am not panickin.. take some time to live for yourself also.
even i wished i stayed as before...*sigh* i guess now is a good as any to become a realist...
i am living for myself now...its the what will happen in the future bit which is freaking me out!
Arranged or Love it is a gamble beyond a point.
some work out some dont. the idea is to not fear but try to make it work.There is no such thing as an ideal marriage,couple,man, or woman...they all come with their set of flaws..as you too.
so if you resolve to work at it 100% - everything will fall in place.
Yes it is always a gamble...but its like the difference between playing blind in a game of Flash vs playing on seen cards...there is no gtee you will win in either...but the seen cards at least give you some comfort in the fact that as far as you knew, this was the best you had! The blind game often leaves you regretting that you din't actually see what was dealt to you earlier!
If both are a gamble then why delay the inevitable! ?
...i'd rather have sudden death than slow poison..:-)
both r stil death na? id rather live! :)
gyanban, dude.. correct said boss!! arranged or love... marrige is a compromise afterall.. there is no such thing called PERFECT. everybody has to meet somebody in the middle somewhere.
koi na jane apna future kya hoga!! seekh ghusegi ya sala kheema hoga!!
hoth ghuma, seeti baja, seeti baja ke boll, bhayia ALL IZ WELL!!
Ha ha Well said Sailor.
There is no point chasing a perfect life.There isn't one.
Instead work hard to make your present as close to perfect , as you can.
Every relationship whether arranged or love has to be worked at.
We were 5 friends in college & all of them except me had a love marriage. Even when they were going around then I cd see the pitfalls they were going to face ahead. They are all married to the same guys, none of them except for one is truly happy. And all of them if they had a 2nd chance wd deal with it differently[yeah we had a discussion abt it when I went on vacation last year].
Arranged marriages have been there for ages & I truly believe they work. Marrying with approval from family is a blessing in every way. The elders see a lot of things before sending us away with a person...the family, their culture, financial situation, the boy, his position.
It may sound silly to u but all of the above matters. Marrying into a similar culture makes so much difference...in the sense adjustments are minimal....and so on. God forbid if the marriage doesnt work u still have ur family to fall back on.
When we fall in love we dont generally look at the boy's religion or job or family...only the boy matters. Which I feel is a big mistake. Marriages between Indians are also about families....which is where most love marriages fall in trouble. And when it fails most find themselves alone & regret it for the rest of their lives.
Now coming to ur doubts, they are valid but u have to remember that u are not going to marry a doll or a saint, human beings are such we continue to surpise eachother every once in a while. Just like u expect the man to accept u with faults and all, u have to do the same.
Marriage is an institution not to be taken lightly. It has to be worked on whether love or arranged. I wd never say Love marriages dont work...I have 2 good friends who married for love & they r doing so well.
U knw, many of my newly pregnant friends fear pregnancy & i tell them...yeah sure its painful every woman who went thru it will tell u tht but tht hasnt stopped women from having the 2nd kid;-D
Similarly arranged marriages sound scary but they are happenig all around & 95% of them are doing very well. U have go in good faith!!!!
huh didnt realise the comment was so long;-o
And one more thing......I really hope u r not expecting the 'meeting of minds' kind of relationship in a marriage. Because its unrealistic.
Take ur parents for example and compare the characterstics...or friends who've married or ur cousins...everywhere u'll find tht the man and the woman are so different in nature yet they get along.....simply because they TRY HARD.
And believe that God has ur happiness foremost in mind.
Wishing U all the best Sunshine:-))!!!!
Whoaaaaaa.....
Lots of things to say here at this moment....
Don’t mind but it may take some time for me to come back and actually join the discussion.
At one side I have my favourite blogger whose thought process is so mature and I would say excellent. Believe me if ever I have any suggestion to take in the blogger world, the first person to contact would be “Reflections”. Actually some people are so generous in spreading their sunshine that it will be very easy to know how good they are. “Reflections” you are too good.
On the other side I have this person who is so good in living her life the way she needs to live. I don’t know whether it is her instincts that make her move on or her knowledge of life. I agree that I know you very little but what ever I have understood about you is enough to say that you can handle anything with ease. And one thing I would like to mention here. Sunshine- I have never seen a better spokes person than you. If ever in future I own a company of my own, I would like you to help me out in some of the things. :)
And regarding this marriage issue…I have many things to share and hoping that both of you don’t mind. Sorry if I’m interfering but I just want to give a suggestion.
1. As Reflections explained earlier, I too agree that marrying with approval from the family is a blessing in every way. The elders see a lot of things before sending us away with a person...the family, their culture, financial situation, the boy, his position.
Yes parents always think and do for our good only and that’s the biggest strength for most of the unmarried people to move ahead in this marriage issue.
But is it everything that we need to find the true love of our lives?
2. She also said when we fall in love we don’t generally look at the boy's religion or job or family...only the boy matters. Absolutely true! “Reflections” I must tell you, you have a great observation. Yes in India marriage means it is about families.
But what if there are no much family connections and what if we are actually living our independent lives like the people from other countries. Then too the family issue has to be considered? Then too the religion has to be considered? [I’ve always believed that being good is the only religion which is true. There are only the good and the bad.]
3. Nobody is doll or saint and believe me nobody is perfect in this world. I have seen and experienced many things in this world to say this thing. But then at least we can try to be perfect and show others the path. We can bring Sunshine in others’ lives as my favourite blogger “Reflections” is actually doing.
Sometimes in a relation, the things change drastically. First we like or love everything about the other person but in course of time, our views may change, our priorities may change and thus all the things which once looked dreamy like a fairy tale love can actually turn out to be boring and unsatisfactory. Haven’t we seen this happening around? That is lack of true love. And how many couples have you seen actually holding hands cosily and still pretty much in love with each other at the age of 70 or 80? Such cases of true love are very rare in this world. I do agree that most of us are not fortunate to get such love and in reality most of us get adjusted to their lives and say it as their fate. And in course of time they find happiness in such adjustments only. Some people find true love after marriage and some people find true love and then marry. What ever it is but the main key here is finding true love.
True love is not just loving the perfect person (every one does that). But true love is loving an imperfect person perfectly. When we love a person madly then even his/her flaws will look like a good thing and hence we get a lot of satisfaction in giving such unconditional love to others than expecting it. Expecting is always like gambling.
CONTINUED FROM ABOVE...
Moreover I never believed in age old theories. There is no guarantee that always arranged marriages are more successful. Most of the times they may be right but what if that one odd takes place here only. Well to support my disagreement in such theories, I would like to present a small scenario. When we toss a coin above, the probability of getting heads or tails is 50-50 and I think every one will agree to it. It’s universally accepted right? Now toss the coin in a thick muddy area. What will be the probability now? Can anyone explain it? The coin may actually stick in mud vertically. That means even the universally accepted probability has some constraints/flaws (i.e., the condition of the ground).Moreover I always hated the subject of probability coz it is just a concept of chance or gamble. To add to the confusion I have actually seen some coins which always turn out heads. :) Now will you believe in probability?
Most of the parents think of our good future and happiness but it’s a bitter truth that most of such parents fail to understand what their children’s deepest feelings are, what their children really want in a partner, they fail to know even the priorities of the child. Don’t think that I’m talking negative but I have seen such people in reality.
For parents the three main things are a good status in society, good earning man and sometimes good looks. But…what about the passions of the girl? what about her ideas and what about her real likes? Most of all what about the frequency and wavelength of the pair which is utmost necessary to live together for the rest of the life lovingly. The solution here is finding love cum arranged match or else arranged cum love match. :)…Well in that case it will not be a gambling as Gyanban told and moreover it will be like playing with open cards-much for your delight. And you will live forever :)
You are an independent and realist, you don’t need anybody’s support or you don’t need a companion as of now. But you have a responsibility of making your parents happy. Hence in that process to make them happy, I suggest you to select a person of your choice and get the approval from your parents or else you let them select a guy for you and then spend sometime with him or talk to him and if you find him right then you can actually give a nod. Anyways you have 2 years and might get additional 2years if you insist. A person who thinks so much about her future can never take the wrong step. I’m pretty sure that he won’t surprise you later as I have that confidence in your selection. So go ahead and take the plunge. But again remember you have every right to live your life as you wish and you have every right to take your own decisions. Don’t forget to send me the marriage pic. :)…Good Luck.
P.S. I totally agree with “Reflections” except the “meeting of minds” part. If minds don’t meet then it is adjustment, a pact and no real element of love is involved. Arranged marriages from ages were successful because there was no other option for the female except accepting it as her fate and getting adjusted to such relations just suffering internally. But now the modern women have all the options and more over she is independent. Hence the outlook of the women will change drastically. And of course the success record of arranged marriages will take a beating here after. But I’m not totally against the arranged marriages; I say meeting of minds is essential (at least to a certain acceptable level) whether it is in arranged or love marriage.
I never even dreamt that I will someday write such a big comment on somebody’s blog. :) …Huh the subject was really heavy.
@Reflections….
Keep up the good work of spreading happiness in others’ lives. And about the point of pregnancy…Not just women are worried about pregnancy, even guys are equally worried.
Personally I can’t see someone I love, undergo such a pain. I know how that pain would be like. It is actually like a rebirth to the women. Women suffer so much all through out their lives. At least after the marriage it is our duty to make her happy and comfortable in all the possible ways. Isn’t it? Moreover there are so many cute children out there who have nobody to take care of. Why can’t we adopt them and take care of them instead of undergoing so much pain
Okay there has been a lot said on this subject and while I don't think I can address everything - I'm gonna try to coherently put down my thoughts.
1. Nancy yes what you said is right that Indian marriages are between families but like Asif pointed out, does that matter so much these days when we hardly live in big families? In the nuclear family set up of today where we live miles away from home, its more imp for me to get along with my husband rather than his parents/ siblings...because yes altho the extended family is always going to be there, my husband is the only person I can truly depend on, on a day-to-day basis...!
Along similar lines, staying away from home for almost 6 years now, ive challenged pretty much every religious practice we had in my house...and altho i still cannot define what i believe in, I do know that living away from home, meeting people from all walks of life and living with these people has made me a much more religiously tolerant person than my parents..! I realize this difference when I go home and my parents have certain opinions about people from specific religions and i realize that even if I did have them earlier, I don't anymore! That is what makes this whole, marrying in your own culture thing makes no sense to me!
Religion to me is deeply personal and unless the guy is an absolute fanatic and wants me to change to fit his religious ideals, if he respects my religion and my need to follow certain customs - I don't see why we cannot have a happy life together.
2. Yes I believe it is important for our parents to bless the marriage, because truly I don't think i could build my life without my parents' blessings and knowing that i hurt them in an irreparable way. But isn't it part of their responsibility to accept that what their kids want may not be the same as they want? And seriously I don't even think my parents know the kind of person I am truly, let alone the kind of partner i would want in my life. For them it's more imp that the guy comes from a good background, and for me it doesn't matter what background he comes from, as long as he is someone i can trust and spend the rest of my life with. And that is the fundamental problem.
3. Yes marriages are a gamble either way. They are not easy and def not to be taken lightly. But like I said to Gyanban earlier, its the difference between taking the plunge with your eyes open, knowing the good & the bad of someone you love vs taking the plunge with your eyes half open, knowing some good & bad about the guy but not all...and with no idea how many other good & bads r lurking beneath the surface!
CONTINUED
4. When I look at the marriages around me, I get even more scared of arranged marriage. My elder cousin sister had a love-cum-arranged marriage a few years back. She met the guy thru her parents and they decided after dating each other that they wanted to get married. Less than a yr into their marriage and they have serious problems. Kids & her career. She was a television reporter at that time and used to come home late after work. He could not stand that and wanted her to have his kid & stay at home. This despite the fact that they "dated" and were supposed to clear these things first...my sis has always been career-oriented and she was pretty clear of her career being imp for a few yrs right from the beginning. The guy was initially okay with it and i guess changed his mind soon after. How do you cope with something like that?? Yes people change all the time but if this was a love marriage where they had been going out for a few yrs instead of a few months, wouldnt that have a better chance (nothing is gteed 100% in life!) of surviving as the guy would understand her need for a career??
5. If the above situation had happened 20+ yrs back, the girl would have bitterly had to give up her career and live for the sake of her family. She would prob be bitter her whole life and would just be living with it. Because the situation is a few yrs old, my sister got a divorce! And that's the difference between my mother's marriage time and mine. She never had the option of walking out, today even if I don't want to (bcoz I believe marriages should last forever!), I do have that option.
This is I think a never ending discussion and i don't think there is an absolute right or wrong...
Thanks for all your wishes guyz...I do hope I get through this with my head & heart intact and with someone I can love & cherish my whole life! :)
P.S. I never thought I would ever write a long comment either!!
Thanks Nancy for your words, even if I may not agree today, ur words have given me a lot of food for thought...
Thanks Asif for your encouragement & the compliments! :)
i get v scared when i hear arranged marriage too..still having a hard time convincing me to even say yes to trying...oh well..lemme now go back and read the comments everyone has written here :)
first time on this blog..lovely space :)
thanks Titaxy! welcome! :)
i sort of got cornered into saying yes to try...and im now im all worried & confused!
It sure is a never ending subject of discussion. I don’t know whether what decision you will take but remember to follow your heart’s voice. Believe me it will make you happy even in the worst case. Waiting to see how you utilise those 2 years for your cause. You can take some more time if you really want.
And one thing I learnt that if ever I have a big comment, I will mail you instead of writing here in parts. Ha ha ha really I did not like it to send the comment in parts :)
hmm well the next 2 yrs is def gonna be a roller-coaster!
i dint even know that blog comments had limits to their length...just discovered that!
annnd i just touched 30 comments on one post...yay! :D
Hey Congrats for getting 30 comments. Where is that pop and fizz sound…I’m unable to hear it this time…. :D
Well no need to worry about the coming 2 years… Just relax and chill, you will find a guy of your dreams definitely and I’m sure that you will have ample time to know him. But don’t forget to introduce him as well to this mad mad world of blogging. Ha ha ha. I’m loving this world as I’m equally mad. ;)
Well this is 31st comment…ha ha ha
:) there is always a cause for celebration...!
guy of my dreams...hmmm i have my *fingers crossed* on that one!
well he will be introduced to this blog in due course of time...its upto him to join it or not! :)
alright alright..
A LOT of discussion has gone into this :) and I don't really have a very different perspective to offer..except share a slice from my life..
I fell in love for the first time in my life sometime last year..Since it was *is* first..I had my own insecurities and apprehensions..
I am a Hindu bengali..while he is a Christian mallu..
and that is the moot point of my quandaries..
He loves me I know..and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him..but when I look ahead, the future draws a rather hazy picture..
though my family is very accepting and welcoming..am not too sure whether his is..
and when it comes to religion am not sure whether he is comfortable too..He doesn't say anything aloud..but I can see his dilemmas too..
I have no clue where we are heading..
O by the way, my sister has just got into an arranged marriage...wedding is due by the end of this year :)
i completely agree with the hazy picture bit...!
hmmm i can understand the religion bit...maybe u guyz should talk about it?? its difficult n sensitive...but its better done now than later...at least that way u know where u are heading...
how was ur sister's experience?? is she in love with the guy?
my sister is doing good as of now..she seems happy..there are around 6 more months before they actually get married..so..time will tell what it's like :) i want it to work anyways..love marriage no love marriage..
As for me, we did talk about this soon after we started seeing each other..but how much ever "planning" we do...there is no guarantee on how things will be later on..even if he says its all cool..there's no stamp paper signed which he can not defy..
He says that his parents might have a problem but he's also sure that 'at the end of the day' everything will be fine..he'll convince them..
but then again..I see his dilemmas with the religion bit..though he loves me with all his heart..he'd always have that at the back of his mind..that it is a sin to marry a non- christian..
I can't trample anybody's religion, but what I fail to understand is- why cant two religions coexist together...?!!!
hmm true...give my wishes to ur sister! i hope it does end happily! :)
i think two religions can co-exist...if its not a big deal to either one of them...its harder when one is more rigid about it...
its all a gamble i suppose...the biggest gamble of life! :)
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