Silence

Ive been cocooned in a cloud of silence...the past week has been a very silent week with me really not opening my mouth much...and for people who know me well - thats a shocker! I spend my 12 hr days in office, trying to get half year reviews of my countries done and my evenings @ home, surrounded by a cloud of silence. This weekend, as I started another book immediately after finishing the first and then moved onto the 3rd....sometimes i feel i'm the one who is stuck in a novel...that i'm the story whereas these stories, these novels which have a beginning, a middle and an end are real life in itself. Because isnt real life supposed to run that way - with a clear definition of where its going? Rather than this overwhelming silence, this nothingness that stretches ahead of me?

And so the words won't come...even though i have thoughts, a lot of thoughts & ideas and sentences...somehow they get lost in the translation...in the journey from my head to my hands to be transcribed here, ive lost the ability to sound these words...

the tv blares on, music floating in the empty house, the sound of the life moving on...and then the nothingness that i seem enveloped in...i think you left behind this nothingness...you had filled it with so many things that only now I realize...there was constant energy & sunshine with you around...constant movement...and now i feel like the calm lake where not even a ripple dares break the untouched surface...but its not a good calm, not a at-peace-with-myself kind of calm...this feels more like the calm before a storm...like waiting for things to go wrong...like waiting for something to break...

its difficult to talk, this nothingness bears down heavily on me...and its difficult to write...and i think for the first time ever, the thought of my bday coming up in less than 2 weeks, does little to alleviate this state...

i can only hope that time heals & that this is not a permanent state...